10/10/2016

I Feel Inadequate


I've been racking my brains for about half an hour trying to think of some sort of inspirational photo and catchy title for this post, but I decided to just keep it simple and straight to the point. If that's not good enough or makes me a bad blogger for not having some sort of interest-worthy photo and genius title that seems like it's straight from the works of Shakespeare, then this pretty much epitomises what this entire post is about.

My old history teacher used to tell me that at the beginning of a piece of writing, you should get straight to the point of your argument at the beginning and then waffle afterwards, so here it is. I feel like I'm not good enough. I am an Atelphobic. So there you have it, I basically just feel rubbish about myself and life in general. If I was a decent person, would my closest friends bad mouth me behind my back and put me down? Would people walk past me in college and deliberately aim disgusting comments towards me purely because of the way I'm dressed and the way I look? If I was good enough, would I be really struggling with college work and despising every minute I spend in the place? Would I constantly be scared of little things, stupid things, like speaking to people, buying things in a shop, going out or just simply going to work? The answer in my head to all of these questions is a big fat no.

You're probably wondering where all of these questions stemmed from, so let me expand on that for you. Question 1, If I was a decent person, would some of my closest friends say vile things about my behind my back and deliberately slag me off and then lick my bum (for want of a better expression)?. This is the most recent occurrence out of all of the situations touched on above. Now I'm not naming names because they know who they are and the damage they've done, but I'm more than happy to share some quotes from them. 'She isolates herself in her car on a lunch time because she's thinks she's better than us' actually, the reason I isolate myself in my car is because I'd much rather be out there on my own listening to my music and enjoying my own company, than spending an entire lunch time sat with a bunch of people who are tearing me down and finding things to slag me off about behind my back. Surely you would feel the same? 'She's clearly lying about her job, she wouldn't know work if it came up and bit her on the ass' this one really made me laugh, because in my head I'm trying to understand why I would 1) lie about having a job, and 2) why would I drive all the way to work, dressed in clothes from the shop I work in that I have to wear for uniform (which isn't cheap btw) and buy myself a very realistic looking badge, to elaborate this amazing lie about having a job? I did have a good chuckle about that. 'She's such a liar, as if she bought her own car, obviously daddy paid for that' well let me tell you my friend, daddy certainly did not pay for my car, nor did mummy. Emily paid for her car, my dad did kindly donate £500 towards my deposit which is amazingly kind of him, but he did not buy my car at all. So many of my friends had cars bought for them by their parents, which I think is amazing, but just because I have a very nice brand new car, I'm constantly under scrutiny because apparently my parents must have bought it for me which is supposedly a crime. I am proud of myself, I saved up all of the money by myself, with no help from anyone else, and I bought the car of my dreams with my own money. If you don't believe me, then I'm quite happy to show you the documentation, I have nothing to hide. Just to reiterate, I have no problem with people who's parents bought them a car, in fact, I'm pleased for you. What I'm not happy about is that fact that people assume my parents bought me my car because 'there's no way she could afford that herself because she doesn't know what work is' and think ill of me for it. Jealousy is the only reason I can think of for this. 'She's rich and snobby' so because I dress nicely, do my makeup nicely and have a nice car, this is what some of the people closest to me assume about me. Well I can assure you, I'm not rich, and if you knew me well enough, then you would know that I'm not a snob, I never treat myself as above anyone else and I would bend over backwards for absolutely anyone. That's just a few quotes, I have many more that I'm more than happy to divulge if I continue to be treated like a mug. 

Secondly, the question of 'if I was a decent person, would people walk round college and deliberately aim disgusting comments at me just because of the way I'm dressed and the way I look?' This is another thing I've apparently lied about, but I can't seem to find a reason why I would lie about something so pathetic and ridiculous. Apparently, I do it for attention, but I hate drawing attention to myself so I have no idea where that came from. The first comment I had was from a first year (who had been in the college 2 days might I add) 'Eww why the f*** is she wearing wedges, this is a f****** college, who the f*** does she think she is?' Sorry little person, didn't realise it was a crime to care about my appearance and dress in something a little more put together than the likes of your tracksuit and air max that you seem to be sporting. The other was from two girls whom I've never laid eyes on in my life, one girl pointed at me and said to her friend 'eww I really don't like her, I think she's ugly, she's not pretty at all'. Numero uno, who the hell do you think you are making comments about my appearance like that when you don't know me, to be quite frank, you're disgusting. Numero dos, if you are thinking these vile thoughts, keep them to yourself and don't purposely make other people feel uncomfortable about the way they look just because you're incapable of keeping your big mouth shut. Not to mention the plethora of dirty looks I get on a daily basis, people looking me up and down with their judging eyes, staring right into me and making me feel uncomfortable and unworthy.

Thirdly, I work so so hard on everything I do. I am studying three A-levels, working a part time job and trying to run my own business (which again, I apparently lie about because 'there's no way she's making any money off her rubbishy little website'). I work extremely hard on everything I do and I feel like I get nothing out of it. No one ever praises me on how hard I work at college, apart from getting paid, I get no reward from my job, and very few people ever give me gratitude for the hard work I put into my blog. I've started to give up and lose all motivation. If I try my best and work hard, but get nothing out of it and instead just get picked apart and put down for everything I do, what's the point of even trying? I've given up on college work because half of my teachers don't ever bother to look at it or mark it, I've given up on everything. The thing I love doing most, my blog, has suffered so much over the last month because I've lost all motivation and feel like whatever I do isn't going to be good enough, so what's the point? I feel like I'm not happy with any content that goes up on my blog because with no motivation or inspiration, I've got no hope of putting out amazing content that I'm pleased with and that people actually want to read. I feel like I'm not happy with anything I do, because it's never good enough. I go to college, go to work, do all of my college work, but it's still wrong if I don't keep my room tidy, or put my washing out, or unload the dishwasher. It doesn't matter that I've done a whole bunch of amazing things that day, it matters more that I haven't done something insignificant. I feel like I'm defined by the little things that I haven't done or not done right, not by the amazing things that I have done and have achieved. I feel like they don't matter.

I feel like nothing good about me matters.  It's no secret that my blog earns me money which effectively makes this my very own little business. Not many 17 year olds can say they have their own little business, regardless of how small it is. I think that is a huge achievement. I also work hard to earn money to run my car and pay for everything I want and need so I can be completely self-sufficient. I then work hard at college too, so that I can get my qualifications and secure a bright future for me, so that hopefully one day I'll be doing very well financially and be able to support my family.  I am nice to everyone I meet, I would do anything for anyone. All I want is for everyone to be happy, my happiness can wait. I won't begin to work on my own happiness until I know that everyone around me is content, that's just my nature. But all of this doesn't matter, because apparently dressing nicely, having a nice car and doing my own thing makes me a bad person.

I look in the mirror and I'm constantly comparing myself to others. I don't have amazing skin, I don't have that model like figure, my hair doesn't look like something off the Toni&Guy display boards in boots. I am far from what I think is perfect, although to be honest if someone asked me what my idea of perfection was I wouldn't be able to give an answer because I don't know what I would say. I compare myself to my friends and colleagues, and I feel like I'm nothing compared to them. I feel meh. Now for the big conclusion, to finish off this little outburst quite nicely (I say little, I'm pretty sure this is one of my longest posts).

I am sick of feeling like this and being treated like I'm a bad person and I'm worth nothing to anyone. So a big fat middle finger to those who have done me wrong, your opinion's are invalid and I couldn't give a bigger f*** what you think of me. Whatever I do will never be good enough, so I'm gonna stop trying to be perfect because I know I never will be in your eyes. This post wasn't for all of you to take pity on me, nor was I intending to seek for attention. I just needed to get some stuff of my chest, and I feel as though this is my only outlet where I can say how I really feel without getting hugely judged for it. 

I hope you are all having a lovely evening, and if you made it to the end of this post then you're a real trooper!

Just remember what Jessie J said in a song a couple of years back - it's ok not to be ok.

Peace and love,

Emily xx